Deliberate

There is something very strange about doing things on purpose. It sounds like a weird statement to make, but I’m finding this to be increasingly true in my life. I’ve always been adverse to planning. From very young, I’d decided that I was going to be plan-free. I would go where the wind took me, instead of bashing my head on a wall every time I failed to meet a life-changing deadline (“I was supposed to be married by  27.5 yr, latest…I don’t even have a prospect of a boyfriend! WAHHHH!”). It seemed logical that a stress-free life was a plan-free life.  I had no concrete career plans, no serious relationship desires…I just wanted to be happy. That was it.

Then I left university, and an interesting thing happened. People asked what my plans were, what I was doing until I got a job. Random curiosities about things I had never thought about before. So I started thinking. What do I want to do? Where do I see myself going? And then, I started living life on purpose. Not just allowing things to happen to me, and deal with the aftermath. Not just doing whatever I feel like at the time, not having a defined path to walk. I started planning (or the closest thing I could get to planning). I started telling myself that these were the things I wanted to accomplish in life. I started working towards them.

It is easily the scariest thing I have done to date. And I do a little bit more of it every day.

Having a plan means failing. I am EXTREMELY adverse to the concept of failure. Living on purpose means dedicating myself to my vision and working (somewhat) tirelessly towards it. It means people know what I’m up to, and that I can be held accountable for it. (I’m also not a big fan of having to answer for anything/to anyone…charming, right?). Knowing all of that scares me. But, at the same time I’m finding pleasure in the small milestones I reach and accomplishing things I never thought I would, or could.

This post is awful rambly (I just started writing and these words appeared), but I just wanted to share this with you. Even though living with a goal in mind scares the absolute crap out of me, I do it anyway. The life I love and hope to lead is on the other side, so I have to keep at it.

I hope you keep at it, too. Keep living life deliberately. You’ll get to what you’re working towards, if you stick with it through the misadventures and pitfalls. It won’t be easy, but at least it will be worth it.

Peace and Love, family

-J

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